On Name Changes, Growth, and Death

I changed my name again. I say 'again' because this is something like the fourth time. Each time I'm more and more convinced that it's the correct choice, and I will stick with it for a few years, and then grow tired of it. I think I'm beyond hoping that this is the correct choice. I've recognized that it's correct for now but might not be correct for later. So, this post will be published under the name Ronny, but my name is now Bruno.

This isn't going to be a poetic post. I want to talk about names and the troubles of publishing as someone who is trans and frequently changes his name. I felt for a long, long time that Ronny wasn't right for me anymore, but I also felt I couldn't simply let go of that person. I wasn't ready to let Ronny die, largely due to the fact that all of my poems, essays, and fiction writings have been published under the name Ronny. Now, I'm starting over. Ronny Fay Ford is alive now only in the archive, and Bruno Erasmus Ford (pretentious, I know) has to completely start over. Or at least, that's what it feels like.

It's more complicated than that, though. It's as easy as this: "Hello, my name is Bruno. I recently changed my name to Bruno and so all of my writings have been published under my previous name, Ronny." Boom. Now they know that I've been published before, albeit in a previous life.

It's a strange thing, to have lived so many lives all in the span of one. This is not to say my past selves are dead, just that they're somewhere deep inside me, in a space only I can access. Ronny is still there. Madz is still there. Madison is still there. They're just not, well, me. I think this is why I wanted this magazine to be named after a part of a mushroom. I see myself as someone who grows off of the decay of my past selves. As I walk in the woods and look at fungus growing off of dead trees, I see myself, growing off of the names and people I used to be. I am both growing and decaying, living and dying, all at once. It's a difficult space to occupy, and I couldn't be happier to occupy it.

All of this is to say that it's possible. Changing your name is fun, albeit difficult. If you're having a similar hangup, just know that someone else has done it, and that means you can, too. You won't lose your previous work at all. In fact, I've found many publishers absolutely willing to go back and retroactively change the name associated with what I've published. So, explore yourself. Grow from your own decay.